So I don’t think we always have to be highly selective, but I think we do have to be selective, to choose, determine whether we want option A or B or C or however many the options are. January and February and on into March are hard months for me. It is cold. It is dark. I don’t like to be cold so I am less inclined rather than more, to go out. And eventually those choices – of staying in, not engaging, cloistering – catch up. In my mother’s later years she became somewhat reclusive. I, like nearly every other woman I know, fear becoming my mother; I suspect it is similar for men and their fathers. Let me say that there are ways in which I am, and am pleased to be, like my mother. She instilled in me integrity; caring; dedication; loyalty. Those characteristics I would choose to hold onto in a minute. I do not want to choose to become reclusive (maybe that’s too strong a word, but you get the idea); unwilling and ultimately unable to exercise; drawing inward. What I am recognizing is that seemingly “not” choosing – to go out, to engage, etc. – is a choice…for which I must take full responsibility.
This is what it has come to lately. I am not filling my weekly container with vitamins which I believe it would be good for me to take. (Am I not “worth” it?) I am not going to the gym, even though I clearly recall that the last time I went it felt good! (And note, I am paying for my membership, there or not.) I am not watching, considering what I am eating, although I am an on-going member of Weight Watchers OnLine. I am being a slug too many days of the week, sitting around deep into the morning in my jammies with no planned activities. Now there’s no need to worry about me or to feel sorry for me – I am aware of these things and that’s the big part of the battle in overcoming my not-so-good choices.
Today I weighed myself. I am recording it on the WW site. I am also recording what I’m eating today – because it’s a start. Next week I am going to the gym and I’m going to ask the owner about helping me to find a gym buddy – remember I told you I was loyal like my mom? If someone else is going to show up and I’ve made a commitment barring illness or death, I’m going to show up. This weekend I am filling the vitamin thing-y– because I am in-significance (see earlier post); I matter to the world and so have a responsibility to take care of myself – the same as you. And I am going to begin to make lists of what I hope to accomplish in the day; it is of less import whether or not all get done than it is that I have a plan and do something.
Aside from Jif, the other memorable quote about choosing comes from Deuteronomy in chapter 30: “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” (Or, in my case, my critters may live!) The choice is clear.