Shortly after I had hit send I recognized that the response was all wrong. By the time I awoke the next day I was cognizant of the denial that still resides in the deepest part of me. Let’s think about it Gay – how many years of therapy have you engaged in to come to terms with the misses, to recast your present (and therefore your future) in light of and in spite of, that miss? It is amazing to me that denial has such a strong hold on me even after all this time.
I have told my therapist (whom I adore) that I cannot recall classmates giving me a hard time or even asking hard questions, about the single parent family from which I came. To this day I cannot say whether this is a re-cast vision of my past (i.e. denial), or the truth. But I owe my friend a second reply to her email and this is it.
Yes, I have on occasion had a hard time with Father’s Day – for whatever reason, this year was not one of the particularly challenging times. However, I am aware of the many ways in which not having a human father has impacted my life – in fact, hurt me. Even though over the course of my years I have done some dating and entered into some (short-lived) relationships, the truth is that I suspect I do not trust men – certainly not to love me, as I never witnessed or received that kind of unconditional love. As a child I missed being affirmed, supported, encouraged to find myself, to excel in those areas that were mine to claim. The result it seems was for me to work at excelling in all things, to be “perfect” insofar as it is possible for an imperfect being to be perfect – yes, that translates to “doomed to failure.” I recognize that now. Having only one parent I tended to at once worship her and to take on protection of her; this is not the job or calling of any child. Thankfully, I now understand these things. But clearly, that doesn’t mean that I am fully healed, that my denial does not still dwell deep in my soul, or that the healing will ever be complete. For that I rely on my heavenly parent… May it be so.